I want someone like you but you want someone else

Dear you,
Do you want to be with someone everyday?
I want someone to be there when I needed the most.
I want someone to be there to experience all things and new places together.
I want someone to be there to talk, laugh and argue with but at the end of the day, we would smile, hold hands and cuddle.
I want someone to be there and stay there.


So I heard that this is the remedy for a heartbreak:

• make a list of his flaws
• why it wouldn't work and how wrong he is for you
• establishing who you are 

Moments

Dear you,
There are moments during the day that I thought I would be Ok and my feelings for you would eventually fade as time passes. I would be hopeful then there are moments like right now when I feel like calling for you back. I miss you so much and it kills me to know that you don't feel the same. It kills me to know that I am not worth the distance. It kills me on the inside that I can't be with you and that I was just another girl...
 :(

COCO movie "Remember Me"

On the drive back and the morning after, all I could think about was you.

Remember me

Fight for me as I've fought for you to stay

Remember me 

Miss me as I've missed you 

Remember me

Wait for me as I work to get to you one day 

If only you knew how hard this is for me 

But if we are meant to be, 

It will be.

Cutting you off my life is like ripping my soul out

But staying there waiting for you is like breaking a little of me

till I won't be able to recognize myself 

I never want to face the day where I would come to hate myself 

and blame you for it.

I rather always have fond memories of you 

Truly though, we can both agree that I am no poet. 

I was going to settle for a piece of you but when you went off the grid every so often, it broke something inside me little by little. I didn't want to lose my mind till there was nothing left. So I decided to do what I needed to do, respect myself enough to step away. I always knew no one will ever miss me when I disappeared. What hurts most is that I realize you won't miss me or remember me. 

I want to be able to talk to you so much. But I can't... if you take the first step...

Time to recover and move on

Dear best friend,

I hope you received my message with fondness for it carried all of my thoughts of you in it. I have burdened you with it but I need to let it out so I can heal. I am selfish but I will change. I will change to become a beautiful person one day. 

Dear God, Please answer to my prayer. 

You are beautiful

1. You passion speaks louder than your looks. You are so passionate, you radiate an attitude of ambition and enthusiasm. Having something you are passionate about means you have goals in mind and you are not afraid to go for it. You are striving for success, not sitting back and saying " I can't do that, why bother?" You don't let fear hold you back, but instead you focus on something that will make you happy. What matters is your drive and that you are passionate about something and you won't take no for an answer. Determination and passion is what makes you a beautiful person.
2. You are yourself around others. You don't let others hold you back from being yourself.  To many people, showing your real face to others is terrifying. But you are always yourself. You don't let others opinions scare you into being someone else. Instead you choose to be you, flaws and all. To be able to be yourself is inspiring and beautiful, because you are putting yourself out there without fear. 
3. You don't chase the limelight. You don't need to be the center of attention. You are not the one who makes as much noise as they can, just to be heard. You know that you do not need to be in the limelight to gain happiness. If you constantly aim to be in the spotlight you are looking to others for validation. 
4. You know how to talk. You know how to speak to others, with confidence and kindness. You know the importance of communication properly. You do not shy away from conversation but speak when necessary, without having an aggressive manner. 
5. You are independent. You are someone who is independent and does not need someone to do things. This means you are not shy about doing tasks on your own, whether it is going to a workout class alone or going to do shopping on your own. You are confident in your own abilities and understand that you can do things alone. You never need direction from others because you trust your own instincts. People love confident and independent people because it shows that you are self-assured and trust yourself. Those that aren't sure of their own abilities tend to be clingy and indecisive. This gives off the impression that you have low self-esteem and do not love yourself. 
6. You care about more than just yourself. You care about others more than just yourself. This means that you show interest in others and you are not solely self-focused or self-absorbed. It means caring for others welfare. 
7. You have an open mind. You accept other people's beliefs, without criticizing or judging them for it. You understand that we all have different opinions. You are not judgmental and open to all kinds of people in your life. You give the impression that you are carefree, not allowing others opinions to cloud your thoughts.
8. You have a soul. You are not cold-hearted and lives in misery. You are someone who cares about life and how you can enjoy it. You care about life and those around you because being miserable is a waste of time. You have the attitude to enjoy life. You are not simply moping and focusing on the negatives, instead you want to be involved in the world. No one wants to speak to someone who consistently complains about life. 
9. You don't strive for perfection. You understand that you can't spend your time aiming for perfection. You know that no one is perfect and you can only give your best without needing to be dead-on perfect. Being a perfectionist only leads to restricted life, meaning you will miss out on life's opportunities. There's beauty in loosen up a little and let life guide you. You aren't focusing on making sure every little detail is precise, but instead you are opening your mind up to new experiences. 
10. You are happy. You feel that being yourself makes you happy. You embrace yourself for who you are and don't focus on any mistakes you may make. Choose happiness and you'll find it is the most beautiful thing you can wear!
11. You don't need validation from others. You understand that what you do and say does not have to be approved. It is your life. By constantly seeking validation, you will struggle to find happiness. And you will only appear nervous and uncertain, not beautiful and carefree. If you let go of that need for approval, you will allow yourself that freedom to be yourself. 
12. One of the most beautiful things in life is smiling. Look at life with love and excitement. 
13. you are prepared to show your flaws. In conversations, you are willing to let go your insecurities. 
14. What makes you beautiful is being kind, carefree, and happy. 

So far away that he won't get to see me everyday

It hurts to read his words that I live so far away and that he won't ever get to see me everyday. Maybe he was the clear headed one who thought this through but my heart roars and cries because like everyone else, I am not worth the trouble. I am always that girl who captured the attention of some guys for a short time but never enough the trouble to go out of their ways. How odd that something meant to be comforting yet so hurtful.

P.S. I will always keep you near my heart but this is it for me

4/18/18
Hope you’re not asleep yet for a bedtime story. 🤗

Once upon a time, blah blah...I fell for this guy who lived somewhere in this polluted planet. To my very core, I knew he wasn’t the one yet I was utterly addicted to him. I absorbed his attention like no tomorrow. I liked the way he carried himself, adorably so. I laughed at his dumb jokes. There were moments that he made me incredibly happy just by talking with him. In such a big world yet I found a kindred spirit like him whom I felt safe enough to cry ugly to, which was a surprised to me and scared the hell out of me later. But like all fairy tales, there was a villain.  One day, an “evil elephant in the room” appeared, unnoticeably to my knowledge at first. It caused him to distancing himself from our daily conversations with half hearted replies. The light in my eyes dimmed a little. Hopes of incoming messages and pages of my story dissipated and shortened a little everyday. It felt like we were riding waves and crossing the boundaries together then one of us had to come down, leaving one falling. Unlike all other fairy tales, my story doesn’t have a happy ending. I knew for some times now that I have lost you. Lol jk can’t lose what I never had. It seems like we can’t even be friends anymore which sucks a lot. You were my favorite person the last few months - truth, from the beginning to even the last few weeks. I don’t regret it, talking to you and getting to know you.  I wish we could go back those moments and spoke our minds-no dancing around topics.  Either way, I just wanted to be selfish and share you my bedtime story. Best wishes to you and your love one.
I’m not interested in chasing after one sided friendship. I suck at letting go cuz I’m sentimental fool I guess. But even I know when to take a bow and walk away. 😛Catch me on the street one day, somewhere, maybe, and do say hai. This is it for me. I’m blocking my addiction. 🙂<3 ya, blammy.
-T ✌️Blamgerine 😝

—
4/18/18

Maybe you've blocked me already but I hope you haven't. ill start by saying that you've have my heart for quite a while now and while i've wanted to be with you, i've understood why we weren't together or why we've never met up. you make me smile and feel like a better person every time I talk to you. ever since i've been single for these past couple of months, I know I haven't been the best person to talk. I guess i've been distancing myself to protect myself from being heartbroken without leading myself on to fall for you even more because we live so far away from each other and I know that I won't ever get to see you everyday. ill be around if you ever need anything or if you need someone to cry to. i'm completely honest to you in saying that there's nobody or anybody else in my life telling me that i can't talk to you anymore. work life has been such a whirlwind of busy-ness  in the last month and a half for me that i've been overwhelmed.

my message will probably never reach you since it doesn't say delivered but I hope you'll reach out to me again one day 😔



____

4/19/18

I'm not good at organizing, let alone putting my thoughts together right now. There’s a good chance that I don’t make sense.
I like you. I always have. I can even pinpoint exactly when, when you told me the greatest gift that you have ever received was from your older brother Paul. I don't know, it is silly really, but something about it awes me to the bottom of my toes... that you love your family and you are still grateful for a gesture that happened a long time ago. You are caring and selfless to the people you care about even when it burdens you at times. You, you are precious in that. But the great blammy isn’t all that great. I know that. You are the worst as you are the best because you have the worst timing in my book, you think with your head so thoroughly, you are unwavering in your resolve and worst of all, you are kind. Don't offer being there when being there is what makes me want to cry right now. The random voice recording you've ever sent me, the one after I cried, you said if I ever needed anything, you would be there. As always, your offer is too generous and possibly just being polite, that I might be tempted to take you up on it. Alas, no. I’m 24 and I need to grow the hell up. I hope that you are always well but when you're sad or unsure which you said you don't often feel so but in case when you do, I hope you would see U the way I see you. Precious and kind. Go do you, explore and find yourself a girl who makes you smile and laugh. She whom you would like more than gym, your bed and maybe even your mama. And, I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING. There’s no future in us besides friendship. I got it so hush. I go do me till I feel alright and whole. When my heart reconcile with my head, maybe then I can reach out to you again one day. But right now with everything and you, I can't pretend to be normal with you when I know continuation of this is going to hurt me. I am selfish and I hurt my ex in a way that I still feel so guilty and liking you is what makes me feel guilty the most. It is easy for you to take yourself out and proceed logically normal but in this, I fail. I just need to learn to not let things get to me you know. Too many things going on rn and having you on my mind all the time doesn’t  help either. I need time to sort things out and learn not to be selfish and how to be a good friend, could be weeks, months or years from now that I will think back of how silly this was. Please don't text back. This is probation..suspension! This is hard as it is, like difficulty level: purgatory at 35c quest and the player's level is below 100. Until then take care, cutie pie.
-T

Every time he leaves me for her, my heart dies a little

Dear Best Friend,
So I posted the subject line above anonymously and people implied that I was the other woman. Am I?  My female intuition tells me that you're back with your ex or involved elsewhere. Thus every time we have this break between us, I get lonely and very sad that I don't know what to do with myself at times. I lose my motivation and spirit. It is toxic just being in such state, in connection to you. Someone posted it that there was no agreement of being exclusive thus, such thought of the heart implied that we are anything other than friends is invalid.
I lose my lights at times and you are my light at the end of the tunnel. I need you to find my ways and I need to walk through the darkness alone to get to you but YOU, my dearest cutie pie, don't know that. That I am in love with you.
My light, yours - nothing,
Tan

I know so little and I wonder too much

Dear Best friend,
Have a great day even though today is Sunday's loser brother.  Stay fit and inspiring. You seem to have it all together.  You, in a way, rouse me to work harder and grow up ya know.  :)

You mentioned few days ago and it secretly stuck with me. It wasn't the first time that it came up. It's like quicksand that it is finally sinking in the fact that I am an adult now!  I am feeling a little overwhelmed with adulting. Like investment, careers and lifestyle choice ...etc AND I am still learning about myself. It's not like I am irresponsible. I follow the herds and I get lost.  I know so little and I wonder too much. It is because of that I fear to take actions and grow up. I am a kid at heart and I will always carry that childlike wonder in me. I am accepting that fact and it is Ok to me to just be me.  But I'm learning to love myself better and do things at my own pace. I will fall, I will get up and I will start all over again until I reach where I want to be.

Those were my thoughts and my point is best friend I want to have you in long term than just a fling of a few texts for a few weeks or months. You are too valuable. While you are worth that much, I am worth more to me, because I have to live with myself, forever.

Slowly and I will get wherever you are,

Tan